"Tutup mata, tutup telinga"Sometime, it's hard to understand people when they say it's hard to understand me. I just need a space for my life with my own decision, and some people to respect it. I never ask anyone to understand me if it's that hard, if it's impossible to do. I never do.
I never meant to be mean. I never wished to betray anybody. Although I know sometime what I do may be out of the box. I never asked anybody to understand every single thing I did because I never wanted anybody interfere my life. I live once, I don't want me regretting my life for doing other's wish and neglect the dream I want to reach.
I am a my-way-person. I do everything my way. I hate it when I have to follow one's unreasonable reasons. It's not that I live with no rules. It's not that I love to break the rules. No.
Here are the rules:
- Live the life to the fullest
- Not to be harmful
I have simple yet reasonable reasons to live. I want a simple life. Complicated thingy doesn't work for me.
I might seem easygoing. Hence you don't know that I also feel the push. I am free, but people around me give like extra burden and push me to do things I am questioning why I should do it. I question a lot, really, a lot. There should be logic reason behind the things I do, which mostly understood by me, only me. When there is something I have to do and I don't get good answer for that, then don't expect me giving 100% efforts in it. Just because others do, does't mean I should do it, too. Although at last, I would do, it's because I have no more options left.
I feel the burden. I am underpressure. Noone knows. But now you know.
I am ignorant, I know. Everything would sound like excuses and irrational for you.
I don't want to be harmful. I don't want to hurt anyone by saying bad words or do bad things.
"Saya terperangkap di antara mimpi orang lain dan mimpi saya sendiri"And I don't know how to be free. Itu beban.
I don't want to live other's life just because I want to see them happy but I feel bad inside.
"It feels so right doing the wrong things. It feels so wrong doing the right things"
I'm wondering whose life i'm living now. I am in between and don't know how to be free from the thoughts.
Rasanya ingin sekali duduk dengan orang-orang itu. Saya sebagai pusatnya dan mereka ada di sana untuk mendengarkan apa mau saya. Tanpa seorang pun memotong pembicaraan saya. Tanpa saya berusaha mendengarkan apa yang akan mereka katakan. Tanpa saya berusaha memahami mereka. Tanpa mereka menutup telinga mendengar mau saya. Dan pada akhirnya kami sama-sama mengerti. I'm having hard time with them. Like an iceberg. Semua kelihatan santai di permukaan. Tenang. Setenang saya menghadapi skripsi yang bahkan nggak pernah saya sentuh.
Ini tulisan akumulasi kecemasan, kekesalan, kepanikan yang nggak pernah terlihat, ketenangan yang merujuk pada sikap acuh, perasaan tidak pernah didengar, dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang belum terjawab tentang banyak hal yang saya lakukan tanpa saya pernah tahu alasan kenapa saya (dan banyak orang lainnya) harus melakukan hal itu.
Saya nggak tahu lagi harus percaya sama siapa. I never need a yes or a no. I never need a lecture for problems I have. I just need somebody to talk to, somebody to listen to me, a shoulder to cry on who won't be judgemental to my dream. I don't need any justification from those who don't even respect my dream. You may keep laughing at me. Please do.
No. Don't think that I turn to be weak. Never. I will never grant your wish. I'm stronger. Just, it's tiring sometime to keep being that way. If this post sounds lame, then sorry. It's ok to be lame once in a while.
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At last I say, A Velly Intewesting Blog